I finally did it guys!

I finally killed myself…

I know just as we all expected.

I hung myself…

Drowned myself in tears of sorrow.

Let pain take me till I could not bear it anymore.

I got so far lost in darkness, I thought I would never find a light.

It was awfully lonely guys.

Lying in bed trying to find a reason to live, or just even get up.

What is the point anymore?

Trick question, there was no point in my life.

Just that when we fellow individuals died that was it.


Nothing happened other than your grotesque corpse rotting in the ground.

But you know what?

Something changed in me that night I died.

My heart grew three times in size.

I gained Something to Believe.

A religion if you would like to call it.

That’s what I called it at first too.

I needed something more than nothing.

So I gave in to a relationship with a higher power.

And no I do not mean with a politician.

It was hard at first to trust something I couldn’t believe.

That’s where faith came in.

And still comes in.

Life is crazy and it’s hard to know what’s real or a delusion.

Nothing happened over night.

Yet when I accepted I felt peace.

I still do not know God that well.

Yet it is okay because a relationship takes time.

Effort it takes effort.

I am not telling you to “get right.”

Or any other ridiculous reasonings to get saved.

For me it had to be my own choice.

At the right timing.

But it really did save my life.

So I share this story.

“I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.” Mathew 28:20


I have died once.

My heart is hardened.

This is indeed the choice I have already chosen.

This was my fork in the road.

A heart filled with hate.

A heart attack will surely follow.

In a different realm.

I will die again.

No Virgil to lead me to light.

No Beatrice to beam a light down.

In the darkness of greed I stay with the lion.

The lion has taken hold of me as I allow it to control me.

And another death to follow.

When the earth gets sick of me and suffocates my last breath.

Into a hole I, go to rot.

Just my food for thought after reading Dante’s Inferno.

To be Continued

Everybody’s growing up, and I am looking into the past.

I am still that wounded child dealing with her trauma.

I do not like the future…

The future is murky and I cannot see myself.

But I see myself clearly in the past.

I fume in an oven of resentment.

Resentment I know I should get over.

The past is the past.

Yet I hold on to it for dear life.

It’s steady, consistent, I am omniscient to the past.

The past brings tears of happiness and deep sorrow into my eyes.

The older I get the more I lose certain details of memories.



Things that I replaces with sadness.

What did my cousin use to sound like?

What would she of turned out to be if she was still here?

I wake up every morning the same way.

1. To an alarm.

2. What’s the point of getting out of bed.

3. Whatever stuff I need to do insert here.

4. She is gone.

5. I need to pee.

I question everything, over analyzing my life.

Am I living for a purpose?

Why am I working here?


I am not sure of the purpose of this post.

I am also not sure how to end this.

So to be continued…



It just to 52 days.
52 days for me to fall for you.
52 to care for you.
52 to call you mine.
52 to see in to the future with you.
52 to actually love you.
It took you 52.
52 days for you to leave.
52 days for you to forget me.
52 days for you to vanish like a house on fire, and all that is left is smoldering ashes.
52 days to break the habit to not care about me.
52 days to become my ghost of Christmas past.
52 days to rewire new neurons without me.
It took me 53 days.
53 days to realize you never cared about me.
53 days to grieve over the lost.
Day 1 denial.
Day 10 feel the guilt of what you must of felt for me when you abandoned me.
Day 17 reflect on what I did to you. Feel the loneliness at night cry out. As I replicate the same tune.
Day 36 get out of bed and start living a new life without you.
Day 53 accept it is truly over and you were the feign to my delusional happiness.

Day 54 repeat day 1.

The End of Days


The End of Days
These are the end of days.
The light you see is numbered.
Just like the breath you took reading this.
Hold that air in your lungs.
You will not have it for long.
Time keeps ticking away.
I hear it in my chest.
My heart whispers…
“Your days are numbered sweetie.”
As if I can find comfort in-between those beats.
I have one friend longing to die.
The phantom grief of missing loved ones haunt her like the ghost of Christmas past.
She day dreams of an afterlife filled with love and happiness. Everything she is not.
So days go by in a blurry unfulfilled day. Day dreaming of non-existing in this universe.
The state of apathy winces at my time clock heart.
Another friend is inhaling all the air she possibly can.
In fear it could be her last.
Over living a life she wants to be forever part of. The unknown is unfathomable. So she does everything she can to prevent the decay of her body. Knowing some day she will have to face the reaper.
Until then she pushes it out of her mind.
Well Why Not?
And then the other friend smolders in crystal smoke.
Looking for any reason to get euphoria.
That friend realized you could feel alive and dead at the same time.
It is easier to face mortality in clouds of smoke by your own demise, than to let someone else control a life you have little to say in.
My addiction is negativity.
It pumps through my arm like an IV pumps though a 2 year coma survivor, receiving their nutrition.
It’s not the negativity that I would say is what defines who I am.
What I would call it is…
It is the lost of hope that I have.
Not having hope is what saves me.
Expectations is something I fear.
It is like this to be Frank my Readers..
Picture this…
A Sophia moment from the Golden Girls appears across this thing you are reading.
Being in a sunny field with hay growing all around. Letting the vitamin D radiate in your skin, feeling the pores inside you. the pores are filled with a pure loving warmth.
Then all of a sudden.
With a blink of an eye.
You are in a grave.
Seeing your loved ones pouring dirt on top of you.
You try to scream but nothing comes out.
You try to move but everything is numb.
Your breath stifles with each clump of dirt that is flinging on top of you.
And that is when you realize it is the End of Days for You.

Unknown title 1


I have visions of a child screaming.

Screaming into this nothingness void.

Screams so hallow and cold.

It is as if the child absorbs all the pain through which it sees with its little eyes.

You cannot unsee.

You cannot unhear.

Neither can the child.

The child molds from the environment it grows in.

If the air is polluted so is the child’s lungs.

Sometimes love can over power the dark creature lurking around on the inside of us. Waiting for the moment we are most vulnerable. And catching us as we fall. So it can penetrate us. To release all the hate and suffering we try to fight.

And sometimes…

The dark creature wins.