Clean

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I sing Hallelujah in the shower.
I try to clean the inner and outsides of me.
Days go by and I find myself doing the same thing once again.
Will I ever be clean?

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Emotionally Detached

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I can’t shake this emptiness feeling.
I carry it like a weight cuffed to my soul.
Oh, whatever shall I do?
I sit in class.
Thinking it could be my last.
Till the teacher says…
Emotionally detached you are sweetie.
How does she know?
I am flabbergast.
Don’t worry she speaks.
You see I am the same.
Do not feel ashamed.
I cry out, I don’t want to be like this.
She says it isn’t bad. It is meant to keep you safe.
I want to love I scream with a tear.
Oh but you do honey she says.
Your body loves you enough to hide all the pain that’s inside you.
You are more loved than you know.
Your body keeps you from breaking your soul.
I understand after I had time to consider.
Putting my hand on my heart to hear a whisper.
Nothing echos back.
She tells me to close my eyes And count to three.
One.
Two.
Three.
Open.
Read pages 28-76 on Personality Disorders.
I’ll see you I’ll in class Wednesday.

Trust

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You broke my heart countless times.
Now you come back wanting the rest of the fragments that contain who I am.
Pretty lies ring in my ear that tell me you indeed love me.
I will not buy into this sales pitch .
Call me what you want but I am not ready to die by the choices you make.
The thing is even if I could completey love you, I could not fully trust you.
The day I could, would be the start of my suicide note.

Death

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We are born for death
So why do we mourn?
Most of us will be afraid
Over time some of it will fade.
Time is fleeing so hold on tight.
We complain, because death puts us in a bine.
But, shouldn’t we live to be kind?
We should not fear what we cannot control.
As I say for death let it roll;
Let go of all tears and put up a cheer.

Continue On

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Yeah, take a sip. Sip-n-Sip take it up does it feel good?
Why not finish the cup have you had enough?
Of course not, you can take more than that and that’s a fact!
You drink this far why not more? It just started with  a taste, a sip, a bottle.
You drank it and drank it till you had to throw it up…  but why not continue on if it makes you feel the way you are why stop? why not?
Who cares if it’s turned your personality into a terrible human being.
Who cares what you do, you needed to feel like you’re happy.
Who cares about your body live for today instead of tomorrow isn’t that how it goes?
Keep taking and taking to wash out the pain that your love ones feel, cause if you’re intoxicated how do you know how they feel maybe it’s them and not you.

Unknown

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I take another gulp
Maybe then I can feel something.
Something constructed in my head.
A delusional bliss if I keep drinking.
I drink to feel something.
Anything.
Happy?
Comfort?
I don’t know something.
Heat from my body pours out of me.
Nothing I can’t handle.
Eternally speaking this is nothing.
I need the effect of my drink to sleep.
It calms my horror of reality.
Please forgive me.
Wait don’t.
I drink alone.
You don’t know This about me.
Why would you?
I masquerade.
You don’t know who I am.
I do not either.
I just hide behind poison.
It gets me by.
And I do not ask questions.
Maybe I should.
But I am not that strong.
Father forgive me…
Wait don’t.
I don’t believe in you.
Like I don’t believe I have a problem.

Love Me

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Please love me
That is all that I need.
Someone like you is all that I adore.
I don’t care about your imperfections.
I need your dysfunctional love.
I am not right and it just works.
I say this wanting to desperately pour out my feelings to you.
I won’t though.
I love myself more than to show you the parts I keep locked away.
Locked away in a cage the prisoner screams.
“Let me out!”
“No”
I look back into the mirror it’s me again.
The inner me screams yet again knowing it has lost me.
I wipe a tear and get ready to leave the bathroom.
There is somethings that can’t be said to the one you love.
Vulnerability is surreal.20160511_202842