Something I Wrote Long Ago…

Take me and make me we can’t save me. This hate that you gave me keeps telling me the same thing. As I keep walking around this place with an absence of hope. Nothing but lies, tears, and fears haunt me. And effortless drive to stay alive. I’ve damaged my soul and happiness for an ounce of air. To breathe without my insides screaming for dear Mercy. Looking around to the hill I have endured over the years. A place that needs to be burn down to the ground. It still haunts my existence. Life could or could not get better who knows? Living a life without something higher up to pray on Candy value. Yet it can be done. My life and choices are all my own and Karma will come to me one day. Till then it is my struggle.

(I thought I was dark now. My teenager self out beat me. ;))

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Beneath the Surface

In a living room I sit. Time goes by and I’m lost in my mind.

Till he speaks and it breaks me out of being hypnotized by my thoughts.

He asks “Are you okay my dear?”

Yes. I am okay,” I respond.

My inner self screams inside of me yelling, “No I’m not okay I haven’t been okay in a long time help me please. See through my eyes see that I’m not okay.”

I fight through my inner self, “I am okay I just need to work through it. He doesn’t understand what I feel, he doesn’t know what I go through. He doesn’t need to know.”

Stop being so stupid!” My inner self screams back, “You know you’re not okay. You need to admit this to more than just yourself.”

But I am okay I’m just down lately. Everybody seems to have depression that I know it’s okay there’s no need to burden them.”

Inner self, “You need help you need to see counseling to get through this.”

No I can work through this myself I’ll just make myself completely busy until the problem goes away.”

Inner self, “No dummy you need help everything is beneath the surface you need to stop and get help before you hurt yourself.”

Why? I don’t need help it’s not like I’m self-destructive or I’m going to kill myself.”

You are killing yourself.” inner self says.The times that you drive fast down the road. Those times that you drink more than what you’re supposed to. The times you smoke a cigarette. You don’t even like cigarettes but you do it why? It’s because you’re slowly killing yourself. You’re doing it over time. This all adds up don’t you see?”

You’re right it does. You know me because you’re my conscience. I should just listen to you. But how do I get help?”

You asked for it. You know he generally cares. He would be upset if he knew what you were going through and not telling him. You know he loves you more than anything so quit distancing yourself from him. Just go tell him you know he cares.”

Hey wait!” I say, no I’m not okay. This why.”

Whatever you want to call this.

I write this as it pours down rain on my tin roof.

Trying to find away to reconnect to my lost soul.

I evicted it once, never knowing that I would not find it again.

They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

Sad part is you don’t realize this until it is gone. You have to lose it to realize you need it.

Maybe this is why humans are so flawed.

That and some of us like to kill humans for sport.

I tried to write happy things to express some bright side of this world. That is not me though I don’t like to do it I like to dwell in the dark and scream out into the sky. At night is when my agony speaks so loud I have to scream to block all the things that overcome me.

Sometimes I stew on the fact that I don’t know who I am. I say it’s okay, yet I have never been able to convince myself of that. Does something just hit you when you know who you are? Or are you never supposed to know who you are? Leading life blindly in the dark? Who knows? Because who tells you? I read these books trying to find inner enlightenment I must not be reading them right for I have never been enlightened. I mean if you count two plus two equals four then yes I have found some enlightenment.

The rain hits heavier on the tin roof. Flash flood warning comes across my phone screen. Telling me to watch out because you could drown leaving your house. Only if they knew I was drowning inside my house. That the actual physical drowning aspect wouldn’t be so terrible. You reach a point where there’s no coming back with drowning physically. You know that eventually your body will cave in. Drowning inside your head is never-ending. When you think you have reached the damn and broke in a hole of it adding a leak to it. Some repairman comes back and plugs the hole. So you have to desperately wait until the gates give out. But who really knows when?

News

Sometimes you just need to be ignorant towards the news.

It can take you into a bad place if you let it.

Stuck in a hole you scream out “Hello someone throw me a rope!”

The news is there.

It throws you a rope.

In reality it is a noose.

You feel safe since the news is here to help you.

After pushing you into the hole.

Yet you do not realize it.

“Hold on!” it says.

You grab it.

Not realizing part of it is around your neck.

It pulls.

You screams are choked out of you as you suffocate.

You are at least holding on tightly.

By the time news pulls you up your dead.

And news has something else to report about.

Addiction.

Is it wrong to rely on something that makes you happy?

Sure it may not be natural…

But what is anymore?

I was laying in bed and I was thinking about addiction.

We get mad at the user for doing whatever they can to feel good.

An artificial happy they have constructed in their heads.

The real reason we get mad at the user is because of who they hurt along the process to feel good… And themselves.

That’s your baby sticking needs in their blood steams.

I can’t even imagine the pain people go through with loved ones additiction.

I just have never understood the reason behind a person addicted.

Till tonight.

I get it.

(This post isn’t meant to offend.)