Happy New Year’s

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We are not celebrating the new year to come.

We are celebrating another year we survived.

Happy New Year’s.

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Holiday Times

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Years ago…

Is a flashback of a child’s Christmas time.

Year after year.

A child’s first strike to hating Christmas was when the father the child hasn’t seen came to the child’s house Christmas eve. Just to leave after fighting with the child’s mother.

Addiction kept the father away. Mother’s depression kept father away.

So the child grew up away at a distance.

A few years later the child would lose a close family member around Christmas. That would scar the child’s outlook to Christmas.

Another few years later as a teenager the child would live with its mother in a improvised apartment. Where the roaches were the child’s only company.

Again on Christmas eve a drug addict would break the window of the child’s home trying to run from law enforcement.

And with the child’s distorted eyes…

That became the real eyes of the adult who grew up.

A few years toward to present day…

With the abundance of love the adult is around.

Maybe it to could learn to love Christmas again.

The adult will never feel the same happiness as a child does for Christmas.

But maybe contentment and stability is all the adult needs.

Maybe the adult’ s heart grew in size over the years being surrounded by love.

 

 

Tragedy

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I am.

I am

One tragedy.

One tragedy away from being

destroyed

Destroyed from.

From everything that exists.

Exists to the molecular definition that inhabits myself identity.

Just one more action.

The seam is unraveling.

Stuffing is bulging out.

Please don’t come near.

Leave me be in fear.

This will be the place I adore

When I’ve lost all self control.

Who’s to say that this isn’t me.

I road a butterfly.

And this is the effect from the result of my actions.

One more tragedy I swear

Will be the death of me.

My white flag is waving in the air

Let there be peace from war

Because I cannot be here once more.

Description

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Photo by Tim Gouw on Pexels.com

I feel as if my life is cascading.

It feels like this.

I decide to ride a rollercoaster.

Nervous but excited I wait.

The waiting seems endless.

One step at a time.

I get in the rollercoaster.

In the distance I hear a muffled voice giving vague information about this ride.

It takes off.

At first it makes me feel alive.

The fear over comes me.

Everything is a blurr.

I cannot seem to make out what’s going on.

Then the rollercoaster slows down.

Change is never a good thing I fear.

Slowly I’m getting pulled to the top of this man-made mechanical mountian.

If something misfires it could send me falling trapped in a locked metal box.

I plumit down.

Loops everywhere I look.

I’m up.

I’m down.

I’m inside out.

I have no control of what’s going on.

It’s all happening at once.

And yet, for the life of me…

I can’t hold on.

 

Emotional.

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This human is vulnerable.

Someone wrecked the wall and with the knife they had penetrated my heart.

Circulation is rationed at the moment.

With the lack of blood in the brain my amygdala is misfiring leaving me emotionally unstable.

I am not a danger to others including myself.

This is what it feels like.

If I had to describe it at this particular moment.

Keeping in mind the circumstances are unstable.

This is what it’s like.

I wake up in a dark alley.

I have the mentality of an eight-year-old.

It’s completely quiet.

That scares me.

I start walking.

The wind blows.

The noise terrifies me.

I’m in tears.

I walk for hours.

But I am nowhere close to being home.

I don’t know where I am.

I am scared.

I am walking barefoot.

I don’t know why, don’t ask me.

I finally make it home.

I see my parents but they ignore me.

I start yelling, “Mom Dad I’m home.”

I reach for a hug but they do not reach back.

They don’t even acknowledge my presence.

I beg and plead and throw a tantrum.

Silence Echoes back in the distance.

After some time I come to figure out I’m a big girl who does not need protection from them. Feeling in uncomfortable pressure of it’s okay.

Some lie I try to stomach.

I blink my eyes and I returned back into the dark alley with an 8 year old mentality.

And then nightmare starts all over in the dark alley.

The estimation of the wall being rebuilt is currently up for bid as we speak.

An average person

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Photo by veeterzy on Pexels.com

I don’t want to be like this but I am too afraid to change this individual I’ve become.
So I put my left foot in my pants, then my right.
Put on the greyish shirt I can find.
It feels secure.
I live a grey life.
Sometimes it goes blurry slowly fading away.
Go to work.
Continuing living this mudaine life l live.
In denial to accept it is true.
Get angry at no apparent reason.
Bottle it in because everyone has issues.
No need to burden those I love.
Keep going toward life.
In a tunnle that spins. I can’t see the end.
What I see is darkness with an occasional spark of light.
Till I can’t go no longer go forward.
I explode or I find a device that destroys me.
Or turn to the holey book.
Live the rest of my life In a prayer.
Knowing happiness is in another life.
But that won’t suit me.
As l mentioned earlier I am too afraid to change.